“What’s this? What’s this?”
“Corn.” The large grey squirrel looked across at the smaller one with distaste. “You bring me corn. What the fuck did I ever do to deserve you bringing me corn?”
The smaller squirrel looked up nervously at the larger squirrel on the branch above. “I’m sorry, Boss, ” he squeaked. “That’s all there was, I swear. This lady, see, she only put out this dried corn this time and there just wasn’t – ” He fell silent as the other squirrel held up one claw.
“Red, Rocky, listen to this guy,” he said to the two bruisers flanking him. “He tells me there’s only corn in the feeder. Red, ” he growled, “check that joker’s tail.” He gestured at the grey squirrel’s tail. Red nodded, and jumped down beside the quivering grey. Offhandedly, almost gently, he raked his paws through the grey’s tail. A single sunflower seed shell fell to the branch.
“…the fuck is this?” the Boss growled. “You eating my seeds and passing corn off as my take? Is this what this is?”
“No, Boss, you got it all wrong! It’s not what it looks like! I swear – ”
In a flash Don Squirrel was down from his branch and had his paw twisted in the fur on the head of the smaller grey. “You fuckin’ with me? You fuckin‘ with me? Look!” he roared, twisting the smaller squirrels head to the left. “You see this?”
“This! This is all my territory, you understand?” he roared. “This park? My park! This neighbourhood? My fucking neighbourhood! This tree? My fucking tree. Look down!” He twisted the grey’s head down towards the ground at a cat pacing back and forth at the base of the tree. “That cat? My. Fucking. Cat!” He slammed the smaller squirrels head on the branch. “Those seeds you fucking ate? MY fucking seeds!” He pulled the other squirrel’s head level with his. “Now. You know what you are going to fucking do?” he asked. The other squirrel stood mutely, eyes wide, tail shaking. “You are going to go back to that house, and you are going to get more seeds from the old broad, got it?” With every word he stressed he bounced the other’s head off the branch. “I don’t care how you do it, whether you have to roll over and play cutesy-wutesy squirrelfriend or if you have to run up her leg and bite her on the ass! You are going to get me my seeds!”
He let go of the other squirrel’s head so abruptly he fell into Rocky. The other squirrel roughly shoved him away. “Y-yeah, Boss, you got it. I’ll have those seeds for you by sundown, I swear.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you fucking will, you waste of fur, or my cat down there will have himself some junk food tonight.
“Ten seeds. Sundown. Now fuck off and get to work.”